It has been many, many moons since I have posted a blog. I can't say that it has been for lack of anything to say, and I am certain that it cannot be from a lack of any of my fine readers' desire to bask in the wisdom I divulge in this here blog type thing. The most probable reason for my lack of posts is simply pure laziness. Certainly, you are all shocked to learn of this character flaw.
What to rant about today?
Social media has been on my mind lately as I've attempted to guide my 13 year old through the many pitfalls of social media. It has been a challenge mainly because it seems as if every day many new outlets for social media appear. It is simply too much to keep up with, and frankly I wonder if we really need that many outlets. My main concern when it comes to my child is the fact that I am uncertain whether she understands the true dangers of being a part of an anonymous global community. She follows all of these supposed celebrities, and she seems to get irritated when I tell her she has no way of knowing that she is actually following that person. I've explained to her that I can set up a social media account and be anyone that I want to be. I can be young, old, male, female, something in between, or none of these things.
It is not that I don't want her to be a part of it all, but more that I worry about who is lurking around out there waiting to pounce on an unsuspecting, idealistic 13 year old. I cannot control the outside world, but I can do my best to control my inner circle. Control is not used in the negative connotation, but rather in a sense that I can be aware of what is going on with my inner circle and guide those in it towards a more positive point.
Let me be upfront and claim a degree of hypocrisy, if you will. I do have a facebook account, and have had it for years now. I am also on Instagram, but I mainly signed up for that so I could follow my daughter and keep tabs on what she is viewing; at least the best that I can. We have set up some ground rules for her to participate with social media, but it can be a bit like a second and third full time job trying to keep up with it all. Not that I am opposed to putting in the work, but at times it is a bit overwhelming.
Facebook has been a great way for me to reconnect with some friends I have not seen in years, but at times I do feel as if I spend way too much time on it, and have often said that it is a time-killer for me. As to other forms of social media I have to admit that I really have no interest. Twitter makes no sense to me. I cannot think of anyone whom I have enough interest in to get constant updates from in 120 characters or less. My daughter is on twitter, and her phone is a non-stop burst of twitter updates. Really? I just don't have that level of interest in other people, especially those of the supposed celebrity variety. Anti-social? probably. Misanthropic? that may be a bit harsh, but probably accurate.
Part of me feels like all of this social media that is supposed to keep us connected has actually led to a giant disconnect. How often do we see people wondering around with their face buried in their cell phone, or some other new technology? Yes, I understand the argument that those people are connected to the people on the other end of that cyber discussion, and I admit to being guilty of the very same action. However, it is a bit odd when I see a whole group of people who are clearly "together" yet they are oblivious to the friends around them. Our worlds have become more virtual, and less a part of the reality around us.
For me, this swerve to a more virtual interaction will greatly inhibit our abilities to interact with real people, and will lead to a society that is less personal. It is to easy to "say" something through social media, that common sense would prevent an individual from saying face to face. Also, it is difficult to determine tone, and true meaning of things said through social media. Someone may say something in jest, or with a tone of sarcasm, but it can be taken literally and be hurtful to those who do not perceive the jest behind the statement. We have also witnessed how easy it has become for individuals to bully others through the "safety" of social media.
I accept social media, and I do see the positives of it, but would like us all to seek a balance in our usage of it. I've always been a face to face kind of person. I never enjoyed phone conversations that lasted more than 5 minutes as I would rather have sat down with that person and had our conversation in person. I feel the same about social media. and yes I see the irony of my talking about this topic through a blog that is posted online. I am an imperfect person.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zao8q71LVM4
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
I am teenager. Hear me roar.
Today my daughter turns 13; officially a teenager. A magical moment in the lives of most people. Quite possibly one of the first milestones set by most of us. It gives me pause to think about what it means. "I am a teenager." What does that mean?
We talk about the generation gap that exists between parents and their children. I've often caught myself saying, or thinking, "what in the heck is going on with that child? I really don't understand." Upon further reflection these sentences really make no sense. How often do we say to our children that we have been where they are; we have experienced what they are experiencing? Seems to be improbable that we can't understand them at this age as we HAVE been there. Have we forgotten what it was like? Do we no longer remember the time we were that age? "I am a teenager." What does it mean?
I've spent a little time thinking about that very question the last few days. I cannot say I have the definitive answer. I can't even say I have an answer, but I will do my best to articulate my conclusions.
As I have thought about this question I believe more questions have been raised than answered. I've thought about my thoughts and feelings as I was turning 13. My memory brings me to these revelations. Turning 13 meant a new level of freedom. I was one step closer to being an adult. Most parents accuse their children of "thinking they know everything." (Guilty, and not proud of it). However, my memory says that I never thought I knew everything when I was 13, but I was definitely aware of the fact that I did know some things. My ability to take what I knew, and what I observed and formulate those things into my own ideas was fresh and knew. Sure, I had these skills for years prior, but I was becoming aware of the fact that maybe my own ideas were not the same ideas of the people who were my models, leaders, everything for the previous years. It's a confusing time as you yearn to express your thoughts and ideas, yet balance that with the uncertainty of how your parents and other people will react to your new thoughts.
Thirteen was also a time when I wanted to be given more freedom. I did not always understand the rules set by my parents. Some of them I thought were just plain dumb, and I can see these thoughts in the eyes of my daughter on a daily basis. Over the years I have learned that freedom is about trust (at least as it relates to the parent/child relation). Act in a way to increase trust, and more freedom will be granted. However, I have also learned that sometimes the rules imposed weren't so much about the trust my parents had in me, but the lack of trust they had in the world around me. At 13 I definitely did not understand this distinction I simply thought all the rules were set to annoy the crap out of me. In hindsight, I realize that they were created to protect me from the things in the world that I was yet to understand and comprehend. And quite truthfully, they did exactly that. What I have realized, and hope my child will realize as well one day, is that at 13 there were some situations I just was not equipped to deal with yet, and the rules my parents set helped me avoid being in those situations. Grateful now, but definitely the biggest chunk of the chasm that is the generation gap.
I often get frustrated with my daughter because she gets so withdrawn, sucked into her own world of iPhones, iPads, and iWhatever new technology is out there. I want to interact with her. I want to sing all of the dumb songs we used to sing, laugh and play like we used to. But how I've forgotten the way I was at that age. I did not have all of the fancy technology that my daughter has, but I was equally withdrawn. I would spend hours in my room listening to music, reading album covers until I had them memorized. I seem to recall my mom telling me that I never talked to them anymore. I found that comment funny as it seemed like they spent the first 12 years telling me to be quiet. I was never sure how to resolve that conundrum. When I look back on my time as a 13 year old, I do not believe my withdrawal was a rejection of my family as much as it was maybe time for me to dwell on my thoughts, and learn more about who I was becoming without the pressures of conforming to the family collective. In hindsight, I do wish I had maybe spent more time with them during this period.
I also remember 13 as being a time when spending time with my friends seemed more important than hanging out with the folks. Spending time with people who were experiencing what I experienced, and could express themselves in terms I understood. I personally believe that it is the time when we begin to understand how to be friends, and what it means to be a friend. It's more than just goofing off, but it's about being there for each other. I suppose most of us were raised in families where we just knew the family would always have our back, but the revelation that people outside of your family can also have your back is important to learn.
As a parent, I look at my daughter turning 13 and it's a bag of mixed emotions. One the one hand I look at her turning into a lady, and I could not be more proud. On the other hand, I also am aware that the time I get to spend with her on a daily basis is close to an end. A few short years and she will be stepping out into this world as her own person. Sure, I'll always be in the background for when she needs me, but I'll miss this time. It's not easy to pour yourself into your child's life day in and day out, and then let go. There is a part of me that always wants her to be that little girl who would laugh at my stupid jokes, act as crazy as you did just because it was fun and not be embarrassed about it. But there is also that smaller part of me that wants her to go boldly into this world and be the best person she can be. Hoping that I have given her all the tools necessary to make that happen.
"I am a teenager." I suppose it means different things depending on your perspective. For my part, I will work to remember how I felt at that age, and hopefully my daughter will work to understand that I really am trying to give her quality advice to help her navigate her journey in life.
What does it mean to you to be a teenager?
We talk about the generation gap that exists between parents and their children. I've often caught myself saying, or thinking, "what in the heck is going on with that child? I really don't understand." Upon further reflection these sentences really make no sense. How often do we say to our children that we have been where they are; we have experienced what they are experiencing? Seems to be improbable that we can't understand them at this age as we HAVE been there. Have we forgotten what it was like? Do we no longer remember the time we were that age? "I am a teenager." What does it mean?
I've spent a little time thinking about that very question the last few days. I cannot say I have the definitive answer. I can't even say I have an answer, but I will do my best to articulate my conclusions.
As I have thought about this question I believe more questions have been raised than answered. I've thought about my thoughts and feelings as I was turning 13. My memory brings me to these revelations. Turning 13 meant a new level of freedom. I was one step closer to being an adult. Most parents accuse their children of "thinking they know everything." (Guilty, and not proud of it). However, my memory says that I never thought I knew everything when I was 13, but I was definitely aware of the fact that I did know some things. My ability to take what I knew, and what I observed and formulate those things into my own ideas was fresh and knew. Sure, I had these skills for years prior, but I was becoming aware of the fact that maybe my own ideas were not the same ideas of the people who were my models, leaders, everything for the previous years. It's a confusing time as you yearn to express your thoughts and ideas, yet balance that with the uncertainty of how your parents and other people will react to your new thoughts.
Thirteen was also a time when I wanted to be given more freedom. I did not always understand the rules set by my parents. Some of them I thought were just plain dumb, and I can see these thoughts in the eyes of my daughter on a daily basis. Over the years I have learned that freedom is about trust (at least as it relates to the parent/child relation). Act in a way to increase trust, and more freedom will be granted. However, I have also learned that sometimes the rules imposed weren't so much about the trust my parents had in me, but the lack of trust they had in the world around me. At 13 I definitely did not understand this distinction I simply thought all the rules were set to annoy the crap out of me. In hindsight, I realize that they were created to protect me from the things in the world that I was yet to understand and comprehend. And quite truthfully, they did exactly that. What I have realized, and hope my child will realize as well one day, is that at 13 there were some situations I just was not equipped to deal with yet, and the rules my parents set helped me avoid being in those situations. Grateful now, but definitely the biggest chunk of the chasm that is the generation gap.
I often get frustrated with my daughter because she gets so withdrawn, sucked into her own world of iPhones, iPads, and iWhatever new technology is out there. I want to interact with her. I want to sing all of the dumb songs we used to sing, laugh and play like we used to. But how I've forgotten the way I was at that age. I did not have all of the fancy technology that my daughter has, but I was equally withdrawn. I would spend hours in my room listening to music, reading album covers until I had them memorized. I seem to recall my mom telling me that I never talked to them anymore. I found that comment funny as it seemed like they spent the first 12 years telling me to be quiet. I was never sure how to resolve that conundrum. When I look back on my time as a 13 year old, I do not believe my withdrawal was a rejection of my family as much as it was maybe time for me to dwell on my thoughts, and learn more about who I was becoming without the pressures of conforming to the family collective. In hindsight, I do wish I had maybe spent more time with them during this period.
I also remember 13 as being a time when spending time with my friends seemed more important than hanging out with the folks. Spending time with people who were experiencing what I experienced, and could express themselves in terms I understood. I personally believe that it is the time when we begin to understand how to be friends, and what it means to be a friend. It's more than just goofing off, but it's about being there for each other. I suppose most of us were raised in families where we just knew the family would always have our back, but the revelation that people outside of your family can also have your back is important to learn.
As a parent, I look at my daughter turning 13 and it's a bag of mixed emotions. One the one hand I look at her turning into a lady, and I could not be more proud. On the other hand, I also am aware that the time I get to spend with her on a daily basis is close to an end. A few short years and she will be stepping out into this world as her own person. Sure, I'll always be in the background for when she needs me, but I'll miss this time. It's not easy to pour yourself into your child's life day in and day out, and then let go. There is a part of me that always wants her to be that little girl who would laugh at my stupid jokes, act as crazy as you did just because it was fun and not be embarrassed about it. But there is also that smaller part of me that wants her to go boldly into this world and be the best person she can be. Hoping that I have given her all the tools necessary to make that happen.
"I am a teenager." I suppose it means different things depending on your perspective. For my part, I will work to remember how I felt at that age, and hopefully my daughter will work to understand that I really am trying to give her quality advice to help her navigate her journey in life.
What does it mean to you to be a teenager?
Friday, May 24, 2013
I was so much older then
This week I have had many things on my mind. It has been a week filled with many different thoughts and emotions. Tomorrow I move into a smaller apartment; only one bedroom. This apartment will be the first place I have lived that does not include a separate room for my daughter. I made the decision to downsize because she has reached an age where staying overnight with dad is not as cool as it used to be, I suppose. I could have kept the larger place, but the monthly savings will be nice. I have many mixed feelings about it all. In about 10 days I start a new job, so this week is the beginning of the end of a work related chapter in my life. I feel good about moving away from the current job, but the unknown of a new job always brings me some anxiety. Finally, a friend of mine's spouse unexpectedly passed away this week. He was only a few years older than I am, and that has brought on many thoughts.
All of these events have made me start thinking about what things do I really want my child to know, but maybe I have not been able to tell her just yet. Or maybe I have passed on some of these tidbits of knowledge, but feel as if I have done so ineffectively. The following is a list of things that have come to mind. It is a grossly incomplete list, and thus I often wish I could Vulcan mind meld with her and just pass all knowledge I have to her that way. I'll keep practicing.
1. No matter what happens in life, I will always love you, and will always be there for you. I believe that this knowledge may always lie at the back of all teenaged minds, but I also believe that it is difficult for them to accept, and have faith that it is true. My child often fears that I will get mad at her if she tells me certain things. The fact is that there will be days she is going to say things that make me mad, but that does not lessen my love for her, nor does it mean I won't help her with whatever situation she may be facing. Just have faith that dear old dad is here for you. He is on your side always.
2. Don't chase a dollar. We've all heard the saying that money does not buy happiness, and trust me that is absolutely true. While it may make some things in life easier, it does not make you happy. My advice is to pursue those things that make you happy, and find a way to make a living doing those things. Nothing is more miserable than being stuck in a job/career that does not fulfill you.
3. A healthy dose of skepticism will serve you well. I do believe that there are good people in this world, but I also believe that there are plenty of people in this world who have no more desire but to screw over everyone else. Be skeptical, and it will generally prevent you from being taken in by these people. Don't give your trust so freely; rather make people earn it.
4. I know that mom and dad do not seem like cool people right now, and it is probably difficult to imagine that they were ever cool. However, we were once your age(and were probably much cooler than even you at that time) , and have faced many of the things that you will face soon. Every now and then it might be good if you accepted our advice. Do I have all the answers? Heck no, but I've lived a lot, and I've made many mistakes. I give you my advice because I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I have made. Go make your own.
5. Dont' worry about what others think about you. There will always be someone who thinks you are weird, or a dork, or some variety of odd. Be yourself, and revel in those who do find you interesting and cool. You don't need the entire world to like you. In fact, I have found that having a handful of close, true friends is much better than having hundreds of people who simply know you. You will be miserable if you spend your life pursuing the accolades of people who really are not your friends.
6. As a corollary to #5, don't be afraid to like the things you like. Like the music you like, the movies you want, the books and food you want to like. I have found that it is our differences that make us interesting.
7. You have reached an age where boys will take an interest in you, and you are going to take an interest in boys. This time is going to be a painful time for dear old dad because it means you are growing up. Let me give you this advice: Sometimes you are going to like a boy that does not like you. You will be ok. Is it going to be painful? Yes, but you will get through it, and another person will come along that is equally, if not more, interesting than the first. Likewise, you will have boys interested in you that you are not going to be interested in. Also ok. Don't be that person who toys with them, or is mean about it. Be polite, and be as gentle as you can in your rejection. You would not want someone toying with your emotions, so don't toy with anyone's either. Do not feel like you are ever obligated to go out with, or spend time with someone you are not interested in. you are not. If you do, you are sending them a message that maybe you are interested in them, and that is not ok. Also, do not ever allow someone to treat you poorly. Have confidence in yourself to know that you absolutely do not deserve to be in a relationship with someone who does not lift you up. If someone ever physically harms you (and I mean even one time) I don't care if they apologize a million times, you move on. Same advice for someone who is emotionally abusive, never let someone put you down, or make you feel like you are less of a person. Like I said, believe in yourself, and don't let anyone take that confidence away from you.
8. As a corollary to #7, dad has access to many, many firearms, and knows how to use them all very well. But that should be a last resort.
This list is in no ways complete, but it is a good beginning. I wonder what advice you all have to give that maybe you feel as if you have not emphasized it enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVTRVZRYxc0>
All of these events have made me start thinking about what things do I really want my child to know, but maybe I have not been able to tell her just yet. Or maybe I have passed on some of these tidbits of knowledge, but feel as if I have done so ineffectively. The following is a list of things that have come to mind. It is a grossly incomplete list, and thus I often wish I could Vulcan mind meld with her and just pass all knowledge I have to her that way. I'll keep practicing.
1. No matter what happens in life, I will always love you, and will always be there for you. I believe that this knowledge may always lie at the back of all teenaged minds, but I also believe that it is difficult for them to accept, and have faith that it is true. My child often fears that I will get mad at her if she tells me certain things. The fact is that there will be days she is going to say things that make me mad, but that does not lessen my love for her, nor does it mean I won't help her with whatever situation she may be facing. Just have faith that dear old dad is here for you. He is on your side always.
2. Don't chase a dollar. We've all heard the saying that money does not buy happiness, and trust me that is absolutely true. While it may make some things in life easier, it does not make you happy. My advice is to pursue those things that make you happy, and find a way to make a living doing those things. Nothing is more miserable than being stuck in a job/career that does not fulfill you.
3. A healthy dose of skepticism will serve you well. I do believe that there are good people in this world, but I also believe that there are plenty of people in this world who have no more desire but to screw over everyone else. Be skeptical, and it will generally prevent you from being taken in by these people. Don't give your trust so freely; rather make people earn it.
4. I know that mom and dad do not seem like cool people right now, and it is probably difficult to imagine that they were ever cool. However, we were once your age(and were probably much cooler than even you at that time) , and have faced many of the things that you will face soon. Every now and then it might be good if you accepted our advice. Do I have all the answers? Heck no, but I've lived a lot, and I've made many mistakes. I give you my advice because I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I have made. Go make your own.
5. Dont' worry about what others think about you. There will always be someone who thinks you are weird, or a dork, or some variety of odd. Be yourself, and revel in those who do find you interesting and cool. You don't need the entire world to like you. In fact, I have found that having a handful of close, true friends is much better than having hundreds of people who simply know you. You will be miserable if you spend your life pursuing the accolades of people who really are not your friends.
6. As a corollary to #5, don't be afraid to like the things you like. Like the music you like, the movies you want, the books and food you want to like. I have found that it is our differences that make us interesting.
7. You have reached an age where boys will take an interest in you, and you are going to take an interest in boys. This time is going to be a painful time for dear old dad because it means you are growing up. Let me give you this advice: Sometimes you are going to like a boy that does not like you. You will be ok. Is it going to be painful? Yes, but you will get through it, and another person will come along that is equally, if not more, interesting than the first. Likewise, you will have boys interested in you that you are not going to be interested in. Also ok. Don't be that person who toys with them, or is mean about it. Be polite, and be as gentle as you can in your rejection. You would not want someone toying with your emotions, so don't toy with anyone's either. Do not feel like you are ever obligated to go out with, or spend time with someone you are not interested in. you are not. If you do, you are sending them a message that maybe you are interested in them, and that is not ok. Also, do not ever allow someone to treat you poorly. Have confidence in yourself to know that you absolutely do not deserve to be in a relationship with someone who does not lift you up. If someone ever physically harms you (and I mean even one time) I don't care if they apologize a million times, you move on. Same advice for someone who is emotionally abusive, never let someone put you down, or make you feel like you are less of a person. Like I said, believe in yourself, and don't let anyone take that confidence away from you.
8. As a corollary to #7, dad has access to many, many firearms, and knows how to use them all very well. But that should be a last resort.
This list is in no ways complete, but it is a good beginning. I wonder what advice you all have to give that maybe you feel as if you have not emphasized it enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVTRVZRYxc0>
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Nomadic
A very short 6 months into my new home I find myself packing yet again. Honestly, I can't even tell you how many places I have lived since moving out of my parents' house at the ripe old age of 22. The list is most probably endless. Often, I find myself wondering exactly why I keep moving; some of the moves had very distinct purposes, and yet some had no good reason at all. My entire family still lives in the same house in which I grew up. Maybe there is some sort of psycho-babble answer in that fact, but I'm not Freud, and not qualified to pull that bit of information out of the air.
Does it bother me to have lived in so many different places? A valid question, and sometimes the answer to that question is yes. At times I find myself wondering exactly what is wrong with me. Why can't I find that place to settle in and call home? For the most part, I would have to say that I have never really had a home. Not homeless in the societal definition of that word, but homeless in another sense. No real bond to a specific place where I have resided.
I have friends, and I have spoken with people, who claim that they know that where they are is where they should be. They have felt a "calling" to be where they are in regards to both living space, work space, all aspects of their lives. I can honestly say I have never felt any kind of "calling." For the most part the voices in my head seem to say things like: "What the hell?" or "Same crap, different day." Those kind of voices are in my head. Even in those moments where I feel like maybe there is some sort of small voice pointing towards something, I just never seem to be able to make out what it is pointing towards. I would say this describes all aspects of my life.
I believe I began to really ponder these things when I realized that I hoard boxes so that I will always have plenty of them for packing. That has to be some kind of disorder; to arrive at a new residence and somewhere in the back of your mind the idea of your next move is already percolating.
Maybe the answer to finding home is to first know what that word means to me, but I can't say I have any real definition for it. There does not seem to be any picture in my head that I associate with that word. Not even sure how I would begin to develop that picture in my mind. Possibly all people think the same way I do, and I simply project onto them that they are at "home" when the reality is they are also floundering around, never quite sure where the next flop will land them, or even why it landed them in that particular place. It's a strange feeling to be surrounded by people and feel as if you are just looking in from a distant window. It's not a feeling I know how to describe, and it's not a feeling that always surfaces for me, but it seems as if it is a feeling that has been with me for a bit now. Odd to sit at the pool, and somehow feel completely invisible. Not an exact explanation, but I'm doing my best.
Overall, I guess what i'm attempting to convey is the sensation that I've never found somewhere that feels as if I belong. A place that my presence completes, and it's presence completes me. All of this rambling probably holds the answer to why I move so much. It's not pleasurable. I do not enjoy the hassle of moving: changing your address with everyone who needs to have your address, finding a way to feel like the space you are in is your space and not just a shell that keeps you from freezing to death in the winter.
Maybe one day the voices in my head will be kind enough to shut their traps long enough for me to hear the one voice that is actually solid, and attempting to lead me in the right direction. I'm certain that I will be old and grey by that time. well, older and greyer I should say. In the mean time I suppose I will continue to hoard my boxes and keep the movers on speed dial. At least I'm keeping people employed.
When I started this blog, it was as a suggestion from a friend, because that person thinks I have a wicked good sense of humor and should share it with the millions of you who read this thing. While I do have a pretty good sense of humor, it seems as if the blog is turning into something else. I'm not sure what that is, but as we have determined already today, I have no certainty about most things in my life. Maybe I'm just a shell wandering the globe until the next life. Suffering from some karmic ass whooping from a former life that I have no memory of. But that digresses into things I know nothing about.
Sorry for those of you who wanted some laughter, but today I needed to just babble. Let's all go take our xanax and be mellow. I'll try to be funny next time.
Does it bother me to have lived in so many different places? A valid question, and sometimes the answer to that question is yes. At times I find myself wondering exactly what is wrong with me. Why can't I find that place to settle in and call home? For the most part, I would have to say that I have never really had a home. Not homeless in the societal definition of that word, but homeless in another sense. No real bond to a specific place where I have resided.
I have friends, and I have spoken with people, who claim that they know that where they are is where they should be. They have felt a "calling" to be where they are in regards to both living space, work space, all aspects of their lives. I can honestly say I have never felt any kind of "calling." For the most part the voices in my head seem to say things like: "What the hell?" or "Same crap, different day." Those kind of voices are in my head. Even in those moments where I feel like maybe there is some sort of small voice pointing towards something, I just never seem to be able to make out what it is pointing towards. I would say this describes all aspects of my life.
I believe I began to really ponder these things when I realized that I hoard boxes so that I will always have plenty of them for packing. That has to be some kind of disorder; to arrive at a new residence and somewhere in the back of your mind the idea of your next move is already percolating.
Maybe the answer to finding home is to first know what that word means to me, but I can't say I have any real definition for it. There does not seem to be any picture in my head that I associate with that word. Not even sure how I would begin to develop that picture in my mind. Possibly all people think the same way I do, and I simply project onto them that they are at "home" when the reality is they are also floundering around, never quite sure where the next flop will land them, or even why it landed them in that particular place. It's a strange feeling to be surrounded by people and feel as if you are just looking in from a distant window. It's not a feeling I know how to describe, and it's not a feeling that always surfaces for me, but it seems as if it is a feeling that has been with me for a bit now. Odd to sit at the pool, and somehow feel completely invisible. Not an exact explanation, but I'm doing my best.
Overall, I guess what i'm attempting to convey is the sensation that I've never found somewhere that feels as if I belong. A place that my presence completes, and it's presence completes me. All of this rambling probably holds the answer to why I move so much. It's not pleasurable. I do not enjoy the hassle of moving: changing your address with everyone who needs to have your address, finding a way to feel like the space you are in is your space and not just a shell that keeps you from freezing to death in the winter.
Maybe one day the voices in my head will be kind enough to shut their traps long enough for me to hear the one voice that is actually solid, and attempting to lead me in the right direction. I'm certain that I will be old and grey by that time. well, older and greyer I should say. In the mean time I suppose I will continue to hoard my boxes and keep the movers on speed dial. At least I'm keeping people employed.
When I started this blog, it was as a suggestion from a friend, because that person thinks I have a wicked good sense of humor and should share it with the millions of you who read this thing. While I do have a pretty good sense of humor, it seems as if the blog is turning into something else. I'm not sure what that is, but as we have determined already today, I have no certainty about most things in my life. Maybe I'm just a shell wandering the globe until the next life. Suffering from some karmic ass whooping from a former life that I have no memory of. But that digresses into things I know nothing about.
Sorry for those of you who wanted some laughter, but today I needed to just babble. Let's all go take our xanax and be mellow. I'll try to be funny next time.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Writing challenge.
A couple of weeks ago I proposed a challenge to my friends on facebook. That challenge was to write something creative based upon photographs I posted on my facebook page. I believe that I posted a total of 8 pictures, all of which were different subject matter. The challenge did not require the author to use each and every picture posted. They could choose to use as many or as few as they desired. I have given no particular time limit for these people to get their creative juices flowing.
During the time since I have posted these pictures, and issued this challenge, I have been debating how to present these writings so that others may enjoy them as well. I considered starting a second facebook page, but that seemed a bit too unwieldy as it would require me going and sending out friend requests again, and then i'd get confused as to which facebook page was which. Also, I would probably forget all passwords associated with the new facebook page. My sister suggested creating and event page to post them on, but I must admit that I'm not exactly sure how to make that work where it is constantly available. After many, many, many minutes of pondering this dilemma, I decided to post each submission here on my blog. I have it linked to my facebook account so that all of my friends may also connect and read as well.
I have received one submission so far, and I like it. I will post it along with the picture she chose to use for her inspiration (assuming I can figure out how to do that).
A few comments before I do post her writing:
This challenge is simply for entertainment. I thought it would be cool to see what responses I would get, who would respond, and the variety it would create. This is not the place for criticism of other's writing. If you like a piece, that is great; if you don't like a piece that is also great. Our differences are what make the world interesting. Some of you may be more experienced writers and some less experienced, and that is ok. Some may have strengths in grammar, and some may not be as strong, but please refrain from correcting each others' grammar. Otherwise I may be forced to eviscerate you in a forum in which you are not as strong. And thus humiliate you in a merciless, albeit funny, manner.
now that the rules have been established, here is my first submit. It is written by Krissany T. and all around good person whom I enjoy having as a friend. No title that i'm aware of, but you can create your own.
With profound dignity she continues to hold her head high. Others have told her that she isn’t good enough will never be good enough but she stands strong in her belief that she can do anything and everything she sets her mind to. As they continue to tell her she can’t achieve her goals, she only pushes harder. There was a time when she believed they were right. She looked at her reflection in the ocean with a blank stare, knowing the person staring back wasn’t truly her. She was broken and weak. She felt useless and abused. She was worn down, tired of fighting and for many a moment she gave up. Then she had a sudden realization that she was not who they made her out to be and the tears she shed could never reflect the amount of love she found for herself. Tears not of sadness but of joy. Tears that streamed down her face filling her eyes like a pothole in Seattle during a November rainstorm. At this moment she realized that she didn’t need anything she had but everything she had left to get there. It was not in this moment that she found utter happiness, but she knew it was out there waiting for her on the horizon. As the sun began to set, se got on a ship and sailed towards it, far away from everything she currently knew. In that moment she was happy, even if just for a split second. All at once she felt free, gliding gracefully across the water. She knew then that nothing, no one could stop her. Knowing this she was truly happy…
here is the photo...I hope
Thank you for participating, and 2 gold stars from me to Krissany. I hope to have other submissions soon, and maybe i'll add one of my own.
During the time since I have posted these pictures, and issued this challenge, I have been debating how to present these writings so that others may enjoy them as well. I considered starting a second facebook page, but that seemed a bit too unwieldy as it would require me going and sending out friend requests again, and then i'd get confused as to which facebook page was which. Also, I would probably forget all passwords associated with the new facebook page. My sister suggested creating and event page to post them on, but I must admit that I'm not exactly sure how to make that work where it is constantly available. After many, many, many minutes of pondering this dilemma, I decided to post each submission here on my blog. I have it linked to my facebook account so that all of my friends may also connect and read as well.
I have received one submission so far, and I like it. I will post it along with the picture she chose to use for her inspiration (assuming I can figure out how to do that).
A few comments before I do post her writing:
This challenge is simply for entertainment. I thought it would be cool to see what responses I would get, who would respond, and the variety it would create. This is not the place for criticism of other's writing. If you like a piece, that is great; if you don't like a piece that is also great. Our differences are what make the world interesting. Some of you may be more experienced writers and some less experienced, and that is ok. Some may have strengths in grammar, and some may not be as strong, but please refrain from correcting each others' grammar. Otherwise I may be forced to eviscerate you in a forum in which you are not as strong. And thus humiliate you in a merciless, albeit funny, manner.
now that the rules have been established, here is my first submit. It is written by Krissany T. and all around good person whom I enjoy having as a friend. No title that i'm aware of, but you can create your own.
With profound dignity she continues to hold her head high. Others have told her that she isn’t good enough will never be good enough but she stands strong in her belief that she can do anything and everything she sets her mind to. As they continue to tell her she can’t achieve her goals, she only pushes harder. There was a time when she believed they were right. She looked at her reflection in the ocean with a blank stare, knowing the person staring back wasn’t truly her. She was broken and weak. She felt useless and abused. She was worn down, tired of fighting and for many a moment she gave up. Then she had a sudden realization that she was not who they made her out to be and the tears she shed could never reflect the amount of love she found for herself. Tears not of sadness but of joy. Tears that streamed down her face filling her eyes like a pothole in Seattle during a November rainstorm. At this moment she realized that she didn’t need anything she had but everything she had left to get there. It was not in this moment that she found utter happiness, but she knew it was out there waiting for her on the horizon. As the sun began to set, se got on a ship and sailed towards it, far away from everything she currently knew. In that moment she was happy, even if just for a split second. All at once she felt free, gliding gracefully across the water. She knew then that nothing, no one could stop her. Knowing this she was truly happy…
here is the photo...I hope
Thank you for participating, and 2 gold stars from me to Krissany. I hope to have other submissions soon, and maybe i'll add one of my own.
Friday, April 5, 2013
bitchin' and moanin'
I know that I have not posted a blog in quite sometime. That seems to have become my standard opening for my last few posts, and I guess I can attribute that to a few things. 1) Lately, I have not felt very funny. While I always have that healthy dose of latent cynicism and will always be quick with a side of sarcasm, it will come out quite scathingly when I don't feel very funny. 2) Having an overall level of frustration with life that tends to make me want to shut down. Today's post may be the most introspective that I have written, and quite possibly I am writing it more for me, and less for you. However, there is hope that some of you will still find it a good read.
There are some who may label me a complainer, a whiner, one who is generally saying something negative. Maybe that is true. My grumblings are generally an effort to vent, to get whatever vile venom that seems to be dwelling on the inside out. It is not so much a call for attention, or a request for any kind of sympathy from others, it is not even an attempt to have my problems solved by others. It is for the most part a mental reaction to my current surroundings and state of being. Think of it as regurgitation for the soul. Get that shit out of here!
Recently, I find myself in one of those moods. I am quite self-aware, and realize when I'm in that state of mind that generates such a negative outlook. When I become aware of it, I try to self-edit, abstain from public commentary, and generally attempt to keep to myself. These things are not easy to accomplish as I work with the public, but I do my best. Over the last few days, I have begun to think about why it is that I have these feelings. Following is an attempt to vocalize why I do bitch and moan as much as I do. (this is the therapy for me).
1) I absolutely abhor working in an environment that has no rhyme or reason. I live and die by a schedule in my profession. For me, it is imperative that the people who put these schedules together for me accomplish this task with proper forethought that will allow for a smooth running day. However, I have found that most of the places I have worked are not capable of making that happen. When I had my own practice, I worked really hard to make sure that we scheduled in a manner where each patient felt like I was giving them my undivided attention, yet we were productive enough to actually be profitable. I hated making people wait, and our office did our best to make sure the day ran smoothly. I know many of you at this moment are saying I should just have my own practice again. Unfortunately, that is not even a viable option for me at this point in my life, and the reason for that is another story that is too long to fit into this post.
2) When I first began working for other dentists (which has mostly been working for corporate style dental offices, which is it's own sort of evil,) dentists were generally paid a guaranteed salary plus a commission should their monthly production be over a certain goal. As the years have progressed what has happened is that these places have begun to simply pay their dentists a commission and that is it. What does that mean, and why would it lead to my bitchin and moanin? A good question. As you may or may not be aware our country has been in a "recession", and no matter what the "experts" say it is not getting better. That means that all businesses have really slowed down. I've heard that most dental offices have seen a decrease in business of 30-35%. That is quite a significant downturn. For those of us who work on commission (me) it means that there are days I go to work, and I actually do not get paid at all for that day. It is frustrating to sit there and know you could have made more money that day working at McDonald's, yet you couldn't get a job there if you tried because you are probably over-qualified. String together a couple of days of not getting paid, and it will begin to stress you out as you try to plan ahead for financial situations. Some of you may say don't work in these corporate offices, but for the most part they are the only people who are hiring, and honestly even private practices have begun to pay in the same fashion. And if we refer back to number 1 we will see that I cannot open my own practice.
3) There are many days where I simply find myself stuck with the life/situation at hand. I have come up with ideas for alternative paths, but for the most part none seem to be viable options at this time. Options for the future, certainly, but not at this specific moment. Most of the alternatives I come up with require me to go back to school, and I seem to never have the appropriate combination of time and money to make that happen. And at times I also fear that I would half-ass my way through my studies and end up regretting it more than anything. I also worry that whatever degree I decide to get won't really help me step into a new career path at all, and I would have simply wasted my time and money to get that degree. Yes, I am aware that some of these roadblocks are self-imposed, but some of them are real enough to prevent me from being able to move forward. So I spend my days spinning my wheels, and putting my nose to the same old grind that has become such a burden to me.
4) I find myself working in a profession that I am not sure I even recognize any more. It seems to me that those who are "successful" in this business these days dance around in the gray area of ethical and unethical. My observation has been that the focus has move from trying to do what is best for the patient in an ethical manner towards a "how can we make more money" attitude. Do not get me wrong, this is not true of every dentist, and probably is not true of even most dentist, but it seems to be a movement I have noticed as these corporate places take over. Dentistry is being treated as a commodity and less like the service that it is. It is emotionally draining to deal with such observations, and to try and maintain my sense of ethics in the midst of it all.
I'm sure there are more reasons why I can tend to complain and whine so much, but these are the top 4 reasons that I can come up with. The combination of all of them puts a strain on my psyche that is at times unbearable. Many days I feel as if I teeter-totter between mental health, and mental breakdown. Sure, I have stretches of time where I feel completely content, but those moments seem to creep farther and farther away.
To those who do get to listen to my complaining, I apologize. I really do try to keep it to myself, but as I stated in the beginning sometimes I just have to get the venom out.
There are some who may label me a complainer, a whiner, one who is generally saying something negative. Maybe that is true. My grumblings are generally an effort to vent, to get whatever vile venom that seems to be dwelling on the inside out. It is not so much a call for attention, or a request for any kind of sympathy from others, it is not even an attempt to have my problems solved by others. It is for the most part a mental reaction to my current surroundings and state of being. Think of it as regurgitation for the soul. Get that shit out of here!
Recently, I find myself in one of those moods. I am quite self-aware, and realize when I'm in that state of mind that generates such a negative outlook. When I become aware of it, I try to self-edit, abstain from public commentary, and generally attempt to keep to myself. These things are not easy to accomplish as I work with the public, but I do my best. Over the last few days, I have begun to think about why it is that I have these feelings. Following is an attempt to vocalize why I do bitch and moan as much as I do. (this is the therapy for me).
1) I absolutely abhor working in an environment that has no rhyme or reason. I live and die by a schedule in my profession. For me, it is imperative that the people who put these schedules together for me accomplish this task with proper forethought that will allow for a smooth running day. However, I have found that most of the places I have worked are not capable of making that happen. When I had my own practice, I worked really hard to make sure that we scheduled in a manner where each patient felt like I was giving them my undivided attention, yet we were productive enough to actually be profitable. I hated making people wait, and our office did our best to make sure the day ran smoothly. I know many of you at this moment are saying I should just have my own practice again. Unfortunately, that is not even a viable option for me at this point in my life, and the reason for that is another story that is too long to fit into this post.
2) When I first began working for other dentists (which has mostly been working for corporate style dental offices, which is it's own sort of evil,) dentists were generally paid a guaranteed salary plus a commission should their monthly production be over a certain goal. As the years have progressed what has happened is that these places have begun to simply pay their dentists a commission and that is it. What does that mean, and why would it lead to my bitchin and moanin? A good question. As you may or may not be aware our country has been in a "recession", and no matter what the "experts" say it is not getting better. That means that all businesses have really slowed down. I've heard that most dental offices have seen a decrease in business of 30-35%. That is quite a significant downturn. For those of us who work on commission (me) it means that there are days I go to work, and I actually do not get paid at all for that day. It is frustrating to sit there and know you could have made more money that day working at McDonald's, yet you couldn't get a job there if you tried because you are probably over-qualified. String together a couple of days of not getting paid, and it will begin to stress you out as you try to plan ahead for financial situations. Some of you may say don't work in these corporate offices, but for the most part they are the only people who are hiring, and honestly even private practices have begun to pay in the same fashion. And if we refer back to number 1 we will see that I cannot open my own practice.
3) There are many days where I simply find myself stuck with the life/situation at hand. I have come up with ideas for alternative paths, but for the most part none seem to be viable options at this time. Options for the future, certainly, but not at this specific moment. Most of the alternatives I come up with require me to go back to school, and I seem to never have the appropriate combination of time and money to make that happen. And at times I also fear that I would half-ass my way through my studies and end up regretting it more than anything. I also worry that whatever degree I decide to get won't really help me step into a new career path at all, and I would have simply wasted my time and money to get that degree. Yes, I am aware that some of these roadblocks are self-imposed, but some of them are real enough to prevent me from being able to move forward. So I spend my days spinning my wheels, and putting my nose to the same old grind that has become such a burden to me.
4) I find myself working in a profession that I am not sure I even recognize any more. It seems to me that those who are "successful" in this business these days dance around in the gray area of ethical and unethical. My observation has been that the focus has move from trying to do what is best for the patient in an ethical manner towards a "how can we make more money" attitude. Do not get me wrong, this is not true of every dentist, and probably is not true of even most dentist, but it seems to be a movement I have noticed as these corporate places take over. Dentistry is being treated as a commodity and less like the service that it is. It is emotionally draining to deal with such observations, and to try and maintain my sense of ethics in the midst of it all.
I'm sure there are more reasons why I can tend to complain and whine so much, but these are the top 4 reasons that I can come up with. The combination of all of them puts a strain on my psyche that is at times unbearable. Many days I feel as if I teeter-totter between mental health, and mental breakdown. Sure, I have stretches of time where I feel completely content, but those moments seem to creep farther and farther away.
To those who do get to listen to my complaining, I apologize. I really do try to keep it to myself, but as I stated in the beginning sometimes I just have to get the venom out.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
all about movies
It is possible that by now all of you loyal readers have determined that I really enjoy watching movies. I am often asked what my favorite movie is, or what kind of movies I like to watch, and I find it difficult to answer these types of questions. I like movies of most genres, although I have to admit that I am not a big fan of horror movies. Especially modern horror movies. Mostly, I just find them too dark, or they rely on too much gore. I don't need to see all of that gore on the screen, and my imagination is quite vivid so I don't really need a very dark story to push it any further than necessary.
All that being said, rather than trying to tell you my favorite movies, or try to figure out what types of movies I enjoy watching, I will attempt to point out things that make movies interesting to me.
I'm that odd man that enjoys watching so called Chick-Flicks. That does not mean that I like all of them, but as a whole I enjoy the genre. The thing that appeals to me about these movies is that for the most part they have pretty good story lines. Sure they all follow the same basic story line of boy meets girl, or vice versa. There is always some winding path for the two intended to realize that they are to be together. Maybe it's not that the stories are always great, but more that I appreciate the romance of it all. I like the hope that it gives those of us who don't always feel very lucky in love.
I also like movies that take the time to create interesting characters. Screenwriters who manage to make the main characters as well as the minor characters interesting and believable always capture my interest. For example, I love the Ocean's Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen movies. Are they cheesy? Heck yeah. Are they destined to be classics? Heck no. While I like the main people in the story (Danny, Rusty, Linus played by Clooney, Pitt and Damon respectively) the characters that make the movies for me are Virgil and Turk played by Casey Affleck and Scott Caan respectively. I could watch an entire movie based on these guys. Their constant banter with each other is well written, and their scenes are what I look forward to seeing. Ocean's 13 is extremely cheesy, but I love their scenes. They make the movie for me. Whoever wrote the scenes where they lead a labor strike at the factory in Mexico where dice are made is priceless.
I also like movies that don't spoon feed me every little detail. This is one of the reasons I don't love horror movies, especially modern horror. Their is no chance for the viewer to use their imagination. This idea is one of the reasons I love older films. They allow us to think for ourselves. They did not need to show someone getting hacked to pieces for us to know that someone was being killed. Admittedly, film-makers of old were not allowed to show certain things in their films, but I believe it forced them to be more creative; it forced them to find ways to get their point across without showing you everything. That is refreshing as a movie watcher. It says to me that the director trusts that I am smart enough to figure out what they want me to know. I don't want to feel like the director believes I'm not smart enough to figure out their concept without feeding me every little detail. I also think it forced the actors/actresses of those times to be better at their craft.
I'm certain that if I were to win the lottery I would spend a great deal of my time going to the movies. I never tire of sitting in a darkened theater to watch a film. I might even use some of my lottery winnings to purchase a theater so I could show a good mixture of current and old films that I enjoy. I'd even be willing to take requests.
All that being said, rather than trying to tell you my favorite movies, or try to figure out what types of movies I enjoy watching, I will attempt to point out things that make movies interesting to me.
I'm that odd man that enjoys watching so called Chick-Flicks. That does not mean that I like all of them, but as a whole I enjoy the genre. The thing that appeals to me about these movies is that for the most part they have pretty good story lines. Sure they all follow the same basic story line of boy meets girl, or vice versa. There is always some winding path for the two intended to realize that they are to be together. Maybe it's not that the stories are always great, but more that I appreciate the romance of it all. I like the hope that it gives those of us who don't always feel very lucky in love.
I also like movies that take the time to create interesting characters. Screenwriters who manage to make the main characters as well as the minor characters interesting and believable always capture my interest. For example, I love the Ocean's Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen movies. Are they cheesy? Heck yeah. Are they destined to be classics? Heck no. While I like the main people in the story (Danny, Rusty, Linus played by Clooney, Pitt and Damon respectively) the characters that make the movies for me are Virgil and Turk played by Casey Affleck and Scott Caan respectively. I could watch an entire movie based on these guys. Their constant banter with each other is well written, and their scenes are what I look forward to seeing. Ocean's 13 is extremely cheesy, but I love their scenes. They make the movie for me. Whoever wrote the scenes where they lead a labor strike at the factory in Mexico where dice are made is priceless.
I also like movies that don't spoon feed me every little detail. This is one of the reasons I don't love horror movies, especially modern horror. Their is no chance for the viewer to use their imagination. This idea is one of the reasons I love older films. They allow us to think for ourselves. They did not need to show someone getting hacked to pieces for us to know that someone was being killed. Admittedly, film-makers of old were not allowed to show certain things in their films, but I believe it forced them to be more creative; it forced them to find ways to get their point across without showing you everything. That is refreshing as a movie watcher. It says to me that the director trusts that I am smart enough to figure out what they want me to know. I don't want to feel like the director believes I'm not smart enough to figure out their concept without feeding me every little detail. I also think it forced the actors/actresses of those times to be better at their craft.
I'm certain that if I were to win the lottery I would spend a great deal of my time going to the movies. I never tire of sitting in a darkened theater to watch a film. I might even use some of my lottery winnings to purchase a theater so I could show a good mixture of current and old films that I enjoy. I'd even be willing to take requests.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)