Today my daughter turns 13; officially a teenager. A magical moment in the lives of most people. Quite possibly one of the first milestones set by most of us. It gives me pause to think about what it means. "I am a teenager." What does that mean?
We talk about the generation gap that exists between parents and their children. I've often caught myself saying, or thinking, "what in the heck is going on with that child? I really don't understand." Upon further reflection these sentences really make no sense. How often do we say to our children that we have been where they are; we have experienced what they are experiencing? Seems to be improbable that we can't understand them at this age as we HAVE been there. Have we forgotten what it was like? Do we no longer remember the time we were that age? "I am a teenager." What does it mean?
I've spent a little time thinking about that very question the last few days. I cannot say I have the definitive answer. I can't even say I have an answer, but I will do my best to articulate my conclusions.
As I have thought about this question I believe more questions have been raised than answered. I've thought about my thoughts and feelings as I was turning 13. My memory brings me to these revelations. Turning 13 meant a new level of freedom. I was one step closer to being an adult. Most parents accuse their children of "thinking they know everything." (Guilty, and not proud of it). However, my memory says that I never thought I knew everything when I was 13, but I was definitely aware of the fact that I did know some things. My ability to take what I knew, and what I observed and formulate those things into my own ideas was fresh and knew. Sure, I had these skills for years prior, but I was becoming aware of the fact that maybe my own ideas were not the same ideas of the people who were my models, leaders, everything for the previous years. It's a confusing time as you yearn to express your thoughts and ideas, yet balance that with the uncertainty of how your parents and other people will react to your new thoughts.
Thirteen was also a time when I wanted to be given more freedom. I did not always understand the rules set by my parents. Some of them I thought were just plain dumb, and I can see these thoughts in the eyes of my daughter on a daily basis. Over the years I have learned that freedom is about trust (at least as it relates to the parent/child relation). Act in a way to increase trust, and more freedom will be granted. However, I have also learned that sometimes the rules imposed weren't so much about the trust my parents had in me, but the lack of trust they had in the world around me. At 13 I definitely did not understand this distinction I simply thought all the rules were set to annoy the crap out of me. In hindsight, I realize that they were created to protect me from the things in the world that I was yet to understand and comprehend. And quite truthfully, they did exactly that. What I have realized, and hope my child will realize as well one day, is that at 13 there were some situations I just was not equipped to deal with yet, and the rules my parents set helped me avoid being in those situations. Grateful now, but definitely the biggest chunk of the chasm that is the generation gap.
I often get frustrated with my daughter because she gets so withdrawn, sucked into her own world of iPhones, iPads, and iWhatever new technology is out there. I want to interact with her. I want to sing all of the dumb songs we used to sing, laugh and play like we used to. But how I've forgotten the way I was at that age. I did not have all of the fancy technology that my daughter has, but I was equally withdrawn. I would spend hours in my room listening to music, reading album covers until I had them memorized. I seem to recall my mom telling me that I never talked to them anymore. I found that comment funny as it seemed like they spent the first 12 years telling me to be quiet. I was never sure how to resolve that conundrum. When I look back on my time as a 13 year old, I do not believe my withdrawal was a rejection of my family as much as it was maybe time for me to dwell on my thoughts, and learn more about who I was becoming without the pressures of conforming to the family collective. In hindsight, I do wish I had maybe spent more time with them during this period.
I also remember 13 as being a time when spending time with my friends seemed more important than hanging out with the folks. Spending time with people who were experiencing what I experienced, and could express themselves in terms I understood. I personally believe that it is the time when we begin to understand how to be friends, and what it means to be a friend. It's more than just goofing off, but it's about being there for each other. I suppose most of us were raised in families where we just knew the family would always have our back, but the revelation that people outside of your family can also have your back is important to learn.
As a parent, I look at my daughter turning 13 and it's a bag of mixed emotions. One the one hand I look at her turning into a lady, and I could not be more proud. On the other hand, I also am aware that the time I get to spend with her on a daily basis is close to an end. A few short years and she will be stepping out into this world as her own person. Sure, I'll always be in the background for when she needs me, but I'll miss this time. It's not easy to pour yourself into your child's life day in and day out, and then let go. There is a part of me that always wants her to be that little girl who would laugh at my stupid jokes, act as crazy as you did just because it was fun and not be embarrassed about it. But there is also that smaller part of me that wants her to go boldly into this world and be the best person she can be. Hoping that I have given her all the tools necessary to make that happen.
"I am a teenager." I suppose it means different things depending on your perspective. For my part, I will work to remember how I felt at that age, and hopefully my daughter will work to understand that I really am trying to give her quality advice to help her navigate her journey in life.
What does it mean to you to be a teenager?
