I know that I have not posted a blog in quite sometime. That seems to have become my standard opening for my last few posts, and I guess I can attribute that to a few things. 1) Lately, I have not felt very funny. While I always have that healthy dose of latent cynicism and will always be quick with a side of sarcasm, it will come out quite scathingly when I don't feel very funny. 2) Having an overall level of frustration with life that tends to make me want to shut down. Today's post may be the most introspective that I have written, and quite possibly I am writing it more for me, and less for you. However, there is hope that some of you will still find it a good read.
There are some who may label me a complainer, a whiner, one who is generally saying something negative. Maybe that is true. My grumblings are generally an effort to vent, to get whatever vile venom that seems to be dwelling on the inside out. It is not so much a call for attention, or a request for any kind of sympathy from others, it is not even an attempt to have my problems solved by others. It is for the most part a mental reaction to my current surroundings and state of being. Think of it as regurgitation for the soul. Get that shit out of here!
Recently, I find myself in one of those moods. I am quite self-aware, and realize when I'm in that state of mind that generates such a negative outlook. When I become aware of it, I try to self-edit, abstain from public commentary, and generally attempt to keep to myself. These things are not easy to accomplish as I work with the public, but I do my best. Over the last few days, I have begun to think about why it is that I have these feelings. Following is an attempt to vocalize why I do bitch and moan as much as I do. (this is the therapy for me).
1) I absolutely abhor working in an environment that has no rhyme or reason. I live and die by a schedule in my profession. For me, it is imperative that the people who put these schedules together for me accomplish this task with proper forethought that will allow for a smooth running day. However, I have found that most of the places I have worked are not capable of making that happen. When I had my own practice, I worked really hard to make sure that we scheduled in a manner where each patient felt like I was giving them my undivided attention, yet we were productive enough to actually be profitable. I hated making people wait, and our office did our best to make sure the day ran smoothly. I know many of you at this moment are saying I should just have my own practice again. Unfortunately, that is not even a viable option for me at this point in my life, and the reason for that is another story that is too long to fit into this post.
2) When I first began working for other dentists (which has mostly been working for corporate style dental offices, which is it's own sort of evil,) dentists were generally paid a guaranteed salary plus a commission should their monthly production be over a certain goal. As the years have progressed what has happened is that these places have begun to simply pay their dentists a commission and that is it. What does that mean, and why would it lead to my bitchin and moanin? A good question. As you may or may not be aware our country has been in a "recession", and no matter what the "experts" say it is not getting better. That means that all businesses have really slowed down. I've heard that most dental offices have seen a decrease in business of 30-35%. That is quite a significant downturn. For those of us who work on commission (me) it means that there are days I go to work, and I actually do not get paid at all for that day. It is frustrating to sit there and know you could have made more money that day working at McDonald's, yet you couldn't get a job there if you tried because you are probably over-qualified. String together a couple of days of not getting paid, and it will begin to stress you out as you try to plan ahead for financial situations. Some of you may say don't work in these corporate offices, but for the most part they are the only people who are hiring, and honestly even private practices have begun to pay in the same fashion. And if we refer back to number 1 we will see that I cannot open my own practice.
3) There are many days where I simply find myself stuck with the life/situation at hand. I have come up with ideas for alternative paths, but for the most part none seem to be viable options at this time. Options for the future, certainly, but not at this specific moment. Most of the alternatives I come up with require me to go back to school, and I seem to never have the appropriate combination of time and money to make that happen. And at times I also fear that I would half-ass my way through my studies and end up regretting it more than anything. I also worry that whatever degree I decide to get won't really help me step into a new career path at all, and I would have simply wasted my time and money to get that degree. Yes, I am aware that some of these roadblocks are self-imposed, but some of them are real enough to prevent me from being able to move forward. So I spend my days spinning my wheels, and putting my nose to the same old grind that has become such a burden to me.
4) I find myself working in a profession that I am not sure I even recognize any more. It seems to me that those who are "successful" in this business these days dance around in the gray area of ethical and unethical. My observation has been that the focus has move from trying to do what is best for the patient in an ethical manner towards a "how can we make more money" attitude. Do not get me wrong, this is not true of every dentist, and probably is not true of even most dentist, but it seems to be a movement I have noticed as these corporate places take over. Dentistry is being treated as a commodity and less like the service that it is. It is emotionally draining to deal with such observations, and to try and maintain my sense of ethics in the midst of it all.
I'm sure there are more reasons why I can tend to complain and whine so much, but these are the top 4 reasons that I can come up with. The combination of all of them puts a strain on my psyche that is at times unbearable. Many days I feel as if I teeter-totter between mental health, and mental breakdown. Sure, I have stretches of time where I feel completely content, but those moments seem to creep farther and farther away.
To those who do get to listen to my complaining, I apologize. I really do try to keep it to myself, but as I stated in the beginning sometimes I just have to get the venom out.
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