It is official; People Magazine has named their "sexiest man alive" for 2012. I'm not really sure how this proclamation works. If someone is the sexiest man alive, shouldn't they carry that title until they are...I don't know...no longer alive? How can you be sexiest man alive in 2012, and then in 2013 you're little more than chopped liver? What happened in the span of 365 days? All a little suspect if you ask me.
Let's face it, the title itself is a bit dubious. "Sexiest Man Alive." What they mean to say is "sexiest man that is starring in a movie this year." That seems to narrow the playing field significantly. I mean the title that exists would suggest that the editors, or people in charge of deciding such important issues, have travelled the globe extensively, and met a significant portion of the male population in order to truly claim that Channing Tatum is indeed the "sexiest man alive." As a very sexy man, I take umbrage with this arbitrary narrowing of the field.
And what happens to former "Sexiest Men Alive?" Is there a support group for the almost certain depression that follows the inevitable fall from great heights? You rise to the pinnacle of sexiness, and 365.25 days later you might as well be working in a coal mine. (I'm sure plenty of sexy men work in coal mines, no offense meant.) Has Clooney turned to the bottle to drown his sorrows? Or does he now have the time to focus on making less movies like The Goat Whisperer, Men Who Stare at Goats, or whatever it was called, and more movies like Ocean's 27? The gang gets back together, but due to Clooney's (and Brad Pitt's and Matt Damon's) loss of stature they decide to knock of Harrah's in Cherokee, NC, where a "snatch and grab" jos IS all it really takes.
Let me pause for a moment to talk about the Ocean's 11 series of movies. We have Ocean's 11, Ocean's 12, and Ocean's 13. Ocean's 11 is titled such because...well...the crew had 11 members. While I find the subsequent titles of Ocean's 12 and Ocean's 13 quite clever, they are inaccurate. Ocean's crew did not increase in membership. Billy Ocean did not become the band of thieves Bard. It remained Ocean's 11. I found myself constantly counting the crew members in each sequel, and thus missing the moral of each subsequent movie which is that apparently crime does pay. but only if 3 members of your crew are former "sexiest men alive". sorry for the aside.
Back to the "sexiest man alive." Let us also discuss the double standard that exists in this world. It's ok to have the "sexiest man alive," where the only qualifications I can find is that the guy was in a movie that year, and he probably makes women drool. (ok Nick Nolte probably did not make anyone drool, clearly the people at PEOPLE were stoned that year). Now if us men were to even mention how hot any particular actress is, much less call her the sexiest woman alive, we would be labeled pigs. Those of us fortunate enough to have significant others in our lives would have to hear endless diatribes about "you think she's better looking than me; what's she got that I don't have?" It's ok to have "magic mike?" which apparently had no real plot, and probably should have been in 3-D. But let us make "Bewitching Bella," and there will be hell to pay.
And finally, if you are a member of a minority group you should be outraged. Apparently, Denzel is the only Sexiest Man Alive that is a minority.
My advice to Channing Tatum is to go ahead and stock up on your Xanax and Vodka, because you now only have 364 days to enjoy your title. Get out of bed, and get to enjoying the benefits that will come along with being the "sexiest man alive." Take it from me, a very sexy man, that it's all kicks and giggles at first, but it can be a burden being so sexy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39YUXIKrOFk
you had to see that one coming.
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