Let me start by getting straight to the song for this post. I believe that I have listened to this song on New Year's Eve every year since about 1984ish., and so I once again shall listen to it in 2012.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kx8wGRNZX4
Here we all are on the edge of another year being in the past, and a new year just ahead of us. It's an interesting time when most of us will make "resolutions" of positive changes for our lives, and most of those resolutions will be long forgotten within a few weeks. I gave up the practice of make New Year's Resolutions years ago. I began to feel like I was simply setting myself up for failure each year. Making promises to myself that I probably had no real intention of keeping.
I do find New Year's Eve a good time for some reflection. A time to take a few moments to look at where I've been; a chance to consider where things went wrong, and what things went right.
New Year's Eve is also a time when people like to celebrate, and why not? We all now have one more year under our belts. And what says "good job on surviving another year" better than going out mingling with a crowd of people you don't know, and getting hammered? That seems to be the prevalent celebratory function. Making New Year's Day filled with the wonder and excitement that is known as a hangover. Yet others will celebrate by sitting at home and watching one of the many New Year's Eve programs that will include some of the year's big musical artists, and then counting down the seconds to the New Year as midnight approaches.
For me, I usually just sit at home and watch movies and pass out on the couch around 10 PM. I don't like to be on the roads as most people are probably intoxicated so why tempt fate. I have experienced New Year's Eve in Times Square, and while I am glad to say I was a part of almost a million people crammed into Times Square I would have to say you are better off watching it on TV. For one, the "ball" that they drop looks like a tiny speck since it is on top of a very tall building. Secondly, they shut down Times Square. Once you are on the Square, you are not getting back off the Square until after midnight, and since it is packed and closed down at around 430 in the afternoon it is quite a long time to stand there (usually in the cold). On another occasion I had the chance to celebrate New Year's Eve on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. Once again, it was packed with people and you had to fight your way into the different bars to get a drink. I was especially impressed with the people who thought it would be a good idea to bring their children to Bourbon Street. My favorite quote from this experience came from a boy who appeared to be 8ish "mommy, what is that man doing laying on the street?" Fortunately, he was not referring to me. I was also surprised on New Year's Day as I was up by 8 or 9 am and decided to walk down Bourbon Street to take in the after-math. The surprising part was not having to step over someone that was passed out on the side walk in front of the hotel, but when I passed several bars that were offering 3 for 1 drinks...at 9AM mind you. I probably should not have been surprised to see that in a city with drive thru daquiri shops.
Along with the parties comes some other strange rituals. Supposedly if you eat black eyed peas and greens to bring prosperity. That may be the reason I flounder in a sea of average financial standings. I have never eaten either of these items on New Year's Eve. Another interesting superstition says that whomever you kiss at the stroke of midnight New Year's Eve/Day is the person you'll spend the rest of your life with, or that your relationship with that person will be strengthened. It is this superstition that has led to many Restraining Orders against me taken out by some seriously high profile, A list celebrities. Due to legal reasons I am unable to list any of those celebrities, but believe me our relationships are as good as they can be after said kisses. Well and from 300 yards away from each other.
No matter how you choose to celebrate this glorious event I wish each of my loyal readers a safe and Happy New Year.
now that it is about 2 hours before the New Year arrives (at least in my time zone) I will probably go to sleep and completely miss the dawning of a new year. which is my normal MO. (modus operandus, not Missouri which would make no sense if I meant Missouri.)
Monday, December 31, 2012
Friday, December 14, 2012
it's the end of the world
WOW! Has it really been two weeks since I last graced all of my loyal followers with my witty presence? My apologies to all 3 of you for putting up with such neglect. I suppose as long as that check keeps coming in the mail you all will continue to demonstrate such undying loyalty. I am so undeserving.
Yes, I do realize that I'm a week early for the end of the world, but I consider myself to be a planner. I like to be the first to arrive; I want to get the good seats to what I can only assume to be a General Admission event as I have been unable to locate end of the world tickets at either Ticketmaster, or StubHub. Seems to me that if one of those two sites are not selling, then they are not to be found.
The good news regarding the end of the world is that we will find out who wins this season of X-Factor prior to the world coming to what can only be a glorious end, I'll at least get to see the first installment of "The Hobbit," and my sister will be able to celebrate one more year of aging prior to the sudden demise of the world as we know it. The bad news is that the winner of X-Factor probably won't even get that 5 million dollar check before the end, and thus will have put up with all of the stress of the competition for naught.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY
I must admit that I have a few questions about how this whole end of the world will take place:
Where does it begin? Will it be like New Year's Eve where you can watch the end of the world happen in each time zone? (I'm certain that ABC has already bought the rights to show that live.) Or will it be an all out global demise where it all ends at once? What does one wear for the end of the world?
These are questions that I need answers to before the event takes place. I may need to go shopping for an outfit that is appropriate, and stock up on snacks if it is to be televised. If it is to happen all at once, then I need to take the week off so that I can go and do all those things that I have not had time to do by now. It will be a challenge to squeeze it all in to one week, but I figure some good coke (the powdered variety that smells good) will keep me going for my "End of the World Blow Out. You're all invited. BYOBlow
As for snacks, I have stocked up on Twinkies and Ding Dongs. (the originals, not some crazy knock off). I'll be selling those for about 20 bucks a Twinkie or Ding Dong. Although what the money will be used for is hard to say as the world will be ending. I also plan to have some sausage balls, and pigs in a blanket near in order to balance the sweet with some savory. And bacon, must have bacon on the last day of existence. I"m thinking I'll just wrap bacon around the Twinkies.
I find myself in long bouts of deep contemplation as to how the world will end. Personally, I'd like for some Mayan uprising of a long hidden society that after centuries of obscurity have decided that it is time to say "up yours you Eurocentric visigoths." (only said in their language, and not in English, or spanish.) That would be a sight to see, especially as I am in the middle of a shamanistic mind-altering spiritual awakening. And it satisfies my need for the underdog to ultimately come out on top. And, it's more entertaining than just a simple explosion of the planet. How passe.
Now if this "end of the world" turns out to be some sort of hoax, or just does not come true, I am going to be in a bit of a pickle come the week after said event. I'm sure the recovery time from all that 'snow' and mescaline is longer than I may imagine. Maybe I should just go ahead and plan to watch the event from the Betty Ford Center, or get Dr. Drew on speed dial just in case. But surely those Mayans aren't wrong. I do have reservations about our interpretation of the Mayan calendar so maybe I should just go to work as usual. What a way to go out...at work.
How do you intend to enjoy the final week of the world?
Yes, I do realize that I'm a week early for the end of the world, but I consider myself to be a planner. I like to be the first to arrive; I want to get the good seats to what I can only assume to be a General Admission event as I have been unable to locate end of the world tickets at either Ticketmaster, or StubHub. Seems to me that if one of those two sites are not selling, then they are not to be found.
The good news regarding the end of the world is that we will find out who wins this season of X-Factor prior to the world coming to what can only be a glorious end, I'll at least get to see the first installment of "The Hobbit," and my sister will be able to celebrate one more year of aging prior to the sudden demise of the world as we know it. The bad news is that the winner of X-Factor probably won't even get that 5 million dollar check before the end, and thus will have put up with all of the stress of the competition for naught.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY
I must admit that I have a few questions about how this whole end of the world will take place:
Where does it begin? Will it be like New Year's Eve where you can watch the end of the world happen in each time zone? (I'm certain that ABC has already bought the rights to show that live.) Or will it be an all out global demise where it all ends at once? What does one wear for the end of the world?
These are questions that I need answers to before the event takes place. I may need to go shopping for an outfit that is appropriate, and stock up on snacks if it is to be televised. If it is to happen all at once, then I need to take the week off so that I can go and do all those things that I have not had time to do by now. It will be a challenge to squeeze it all in to one week, but I figure some good coke (the powdered variety that smells good) will keep me going for my "End of the World Blow Out. You're all invited. BYOBlow
As for snacks, I have stocked up on Twinkies and Ding Dongs. (the originals, not some crazy knock off). I'll be selling those for about 20 bucks a Twinkie or Ding Dong. Although what the money will be used for is hard to say as the world will be ending. I also plan to have some sausage balls, and pigs in a blanket near in order to balance the sweet with some savory. And bacon, must have bacon on the last day of existence. I"m thinking I'll just wrap bacon around the Twinkies.
I find myself in long bouts of deep contemplation as to how the world will end. Personally, I'd like for some Mayan uprising of a long hidden society that after centuries of obscurity have decided that it is time to say "up yours you Eurocentric visigoths." (only said in their language, and not in English, or spanish.) That would be a sight to see, especially as I am in the middle of a shamanistic mind-altering spiritual awakening. And it satisfies my need for the underdog to ultimately come out on top. And, it's more entertaining than just a simple explosion of the planet. How passe.
Now if this "end of the world" turns out to be some sort of hoax, or just does not come true, I am going to be in a bit of a pickle come the week after said event. I'm sure the recovery time from all that 'snow' and mescaline is longer than I may imagine. Maybe I should just go ahead and plan to watch the event from the Betty Ford Center, or get Dr. Drew on speed dial just in case. But surely those Mayans aren't wrong. I do have reservations about our interpretation of the Mayan calendar so maybe I should just go to work as usual. What a way to go out...at work.
How do you intend to enjoy the final week of the world?
Thursday, November 29, 2012
this is the end...
Do not fear as this is not the end of my blog; at least as far as I know. Rather it is the end of the Twilight Movies. Yes, I have seen every single one of these movies. Most of them I have seen twice. Not because I have a deep love for the story, nor because I have chosen between team edward and team Jacob. I have seen most of them twice because I would go preview the movie prior to allowing my daughter to see it. This latest, and last installment of the story is no different.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY
(i bet you thought i would have "the end" by the doors here, but it's way too long.
Overall, I suppose the movie was alright. I have to keep reminding myself that this story was written for tweenaged girls. Thus the reason that most of the werewolf clan walk around without any shirts, and really have no bearing on the plot in general. Why couldn't some of the female vampires walk around without any shirts? it only seems fair.
I must admit that there are a few things about these movies that I don't really understand.
Why do the Cullens drive a Volvo? Here you have a family of vampires who claim that they "never get tired, never have to rest," and they can run incredibly fast. Why on earth would they ever strap themselves into a Volvo and drive down the curvy, icy roads of the Pacific Northwest? It seems that when they really need to get somewhere they hop into the Volvo. However, when they just want to show off, they run as fast as they can through the woods for no purpose. It's like Harry Potter using magic to make candies, but then when he's in the Chamber of Secrets he just kicks the crap out of the basilisk rather than use magic. Pointless!
Another issue i have is that all of the vampires "sparkle" when they are in the sunlight. SPOILER ALERT!!! There seems to be less sparkling in this final movie. END SPOILER. Maybe they blew the budget on wardrobe for the werewolves and could not afford the CGI necessary for more sparkling. What is this sparkling crap? Of course you're sparkling in the sunlight, because you are about to burst into flames and die a very painful death. Go back into your coffin until the evening, or emulate Barnabas Collins and completely shade yourself from the sunlight should you have to go out during the daytime. Or maybe you can pimp out the Volvo with some illegal window tinting and hide in there until moonrise.
While we are at it, let us discuss your "immortality." Several times Bella is told she is immortal, or that they are all immortal. Then they proceed to rip each others heads off, and kill each other. Were you really immortal you would not have to fear death at all. You'd tell those italian vampires (the vatican? something like that it starts with a V for sure) to "suck it" as you intend to do whatever you want. If you can die by any means, you are not immortal, get it straight. Live a long time? sure. Immortal? let me drive this wooden stake in your heart and we'll see.
Of course Bella has to become a super strong vampire. I call crap on that. Why give one of the worst actresses in the world such power? I found her quite annoying as an actress, and the character in general. Why o Why didn't Joan Jett kick her ass during filming of "The Runaways," and put us all out of our misery?
Honestly, throughout the entire series I kept hoping that some real vampires (maybe some out of an Anne Rice novel who were on a break from any action as Anne Rice spent 5 chapters describing the room said vampires were in) would show up and kick the Cullen's collective ass (as well as the Vatican's or whatever they were called), and show them what real vampires are all about. That would have made the movie much better.
Well, I have seen them all. I'm no worse off for it I suppose. If you can get past the volvo driving, and the damn sparkling, you will probalby enjoy the movie. Maybe I'll see you there as I go see it a second time with my daughter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0GFRcFm-aY
(i bet you thought i would have "the end" by the doors here, but it's way too long.
Overall, I suppose the movie was alright. I have to keep reminding myself that this story was written for tweenaged girls. Thus the reason that most of the werewolf clan walk around without any shirts, and really have no bearing on the plot in general. Why couldn't some of the female vampires walk around without any shirts? it only seems fair.
I must admit that there are a few things about these movies that I don't really understand.
Why do the Cullens drive a Volvo? Here you have a family of vampires who claim that they "never get tired, never have to rest," and they can run incredibly fast. Why on earth would they ever strap themselves into a Volvo and drive down the curvy, icy roads of the Pacific Northwest? It seems that when they really need to get somewhere they hop into the Volvo. However, when they just want to show off, they run as fast as they can through the woods for no purpose. It's like Harry Potter using magic to make candies, but then when he's in the Chamber of Secrets he just kicks the crap out of the basilisk rather than use magic. Pointless!
Another issue i have is that all of the vampires "sparkle" when they are in the sunlight. SPOILER ALERT!!! There seems to be less sparkling in this final movie. END SPOILER. Maybe they blew the budget on wardrobe for the werewolves and could not afford the CGI necessary for more sparkling. What is this sparkling crap? Of course you're sparkling in the sunlight, because you are about to burst into flames and die a very painful death. Go back into your coffin until the evening, or emulate Barnabas Collins and completely shade yourself from the sunlight should you have to go out during the daytime. Or maybe you can pimp out the Volvo with some illegal window tinting and hide in there until moonrise.
While we are at it, let us discuss your "immortality." Several times Bella is told she is immortal, or that they are all immortal. Then they proceed to rip each others heads off, and kill each other. Were you really immortal you would not have to fear death at all. You'd tell those italian vampires (the vatican? something like that it starts with a V for sure) to "suck it" as you intend to do whatever you want. If you can die by any means, you are not immortal, get it straight. Live a long time? sure. Immortal? let me drive this wooden stake in your heart and we'll see.
Of course Bella has to become a super strong vampire. I call crap on that. Why give one of the worst actresses in the world such power? I found her quite annoying as an actress, and the character in general. Why o Why didn't Joan Jett kick her ass during filming of "The Runaways," and put us all out of our misery?
Honestly, throughout the entire series I kept hoping that some real vampires (maybe some out of an Anne Rice novel who were on a break from any action as Anne Rice spent 5 chapters describing the room said vampires were in) would show up and kick the Cullen's collective ass (as well as the Vatican's or whatever they were called), and show them what real vampires are all about. That would have made the movie much better.
Well, I have seen them all. I'm no worse off for it I suppose. If you can get past the volvo driving, and the damn sparkling, you will probalby enjoy the movie. Maybe I'll see you there as I go see it a second time with my daughter.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thanksgiving with a capital T, and that stands for Trouble.
Well, another Thanksgiving has come and gone. A day when we gather together with friends and family and cram food into our face as if we are ducks being groomed to produce foie gras, and then lounge around in a glassy eyed stupor to celebrate some ambiguous idea whose roots have long been uncertain. We attribute our day of gorging to some feast that the pilgrims may or may not have really had, and which may or may not have included Native Americans (the Indians to some of you.) I suppose it could have taken place, maybe a chance to fatten up the opposition prior to relocating them to other lands.
For my international followers I will attempt to summarize some of the traditions that seem to be common to most families in the USA. Then I will delight you with tales of joy and wonderment from my family.
Thanksgiving is a day where most families tend to come together to watch each other eat as if they have been on a hunger strike for the last decade. This is the day in which more turkey is consumed than any other day of the calendar. It makes me wonder if there are small turkey factions who have created "Thanksgiving bunkers." Places where they can take their families and hide away from the crazed turkey hunter to avoid having breaded stuffing unceremoniously lodged in their nether regions. A bunker stocked with enough grain to get through the one day of turkey armageddon. Sounds like a reality show in the making.
Of course turkey is not the only thing present on the table. Each family will have a myriad of casseroles. Casseroles are how we take everything healthy about different vegetables and toss it out the window. Add as much butter, cream, lard or other fatty product along with some sort of breading to any vegetable, and you have a casserole. For many who do not like vegetables, this is the way to go as the fatty content helps them slide right on down the gullet, and you can feel good because you have eaten your vegetables for the year. Chase that down with the ubiquitous stuffing/dressing and you are ripe for a shamanistic after dinner experience complete with hallucinations.
Let us not forget the cranberry sauce. That gelatinous substance that magically takes on the appearance of an aluminum can. It's red, and wiggles like jello. How can it not be good? Seriously, I have never eaten the gelatinous mass, so I don't know.
Other common side dishes which are not as funny as cranberry sauce include: rolls, yams, or sweet potatoes in some buttery concoction, green bean casserole (probably not present at the aforementioned pilgrim feast. if it existed,) corn, maybe even some ham, and stuffing/dressing (think bread with boiled eggs, celery and some spices in it. not a fan.)
Stuffing is interesting because it is one of those dishes that you either love or hate. Personally, I do not like it. Here in the USA, if you tell someone that you hate a particular dish the required response from that person is: "oh, but you have not tried my stuffing (or other hated food.)" Of course I have not tried it because as you may know I HATE stuffing. Unless you are Hermione Granger and can magically turn stuffing into a plate full of brownies, or at least distract me with your hotness, then i'm not interested.
Then of course you will find various combinations of pies, cakes, and desserts of all kinds. This is the coup de grace (which is defined as the merciful death blow to a suffering creature.) A term certainly developed with Thanksgiving in mind. It is not unusual to find entire families in various states of a coma immediately after this course of the dinner.
Turkey sandwiches are soon to follow.
Our family has decided to take a different tack the last few years. At some point in time my father has decided that he "hates turkey, and always has. " Quite the revelation after having turkey pretty much every thanksgiving for almost 70 years. We have Thanksgiving Chicken. A bird that lives in fear every day of the year rather than just one.
The rest of our meal is similar to that listed above. Each dish seems to have been adopted by a member of the family, who is responsible for making that dish while my mom stands over them like a French Chef barking orders at some newbie in his kitchen; wooden spoon, or other convenient kitchen utensil, in hand ready to correct any misstep.
After dinner we congregate around the living room, and usually will watch a movie marathon, which is a whole other blog. Watching movies with my family. I will work on that in a few days.
Hopefully most of you are coming out of the coma, and getting ready for another round.
For my international followers I will attempt to summarize some of the traditions that seem to be common to most families in the USA. Then I will delight you with tales of joy and wonderment from my family.
Thanksgiving is a day where most families tend to come together to watch each other eat as if they have been on a hunger strike for the last decade. This is the day in which more turkey is consumed than any other day of the calendar. It makes me wonder if there are small turkey factions who have created "Thanksgiving bunkers." Places where they can take their families and hide away from the crazed turkey hunter to avoid having breaded stuffing unceremoniously lodged in their nether regions. A bunker stocked with enough grain to get through the one day of turkey armageddon. Sounds like a reality show in the making.
Of course turkey is not the only thing present on the table. Each family will have a myriad of casseroles. Casseroles are how we take everything healthy about different vegetables and toss it out the window. Add as much butter, cream, lard or other fatty product along with some sort of breading to any vegetable, and you have a casserole. For many who do not like vegetables, this is the way to go as the fatty content helps them slide right on down the gullet, and you can feel good because you have eaten your vegetables for the year. Chase that down with the ubiquitous stuffing/dressing and you are ripe for a shamanistic after dinner experience complete with hallucinations.
Let us not forget the cranberry sauce. That gelatinous substance that magically takes on the appearance of an aluminum can. It's red, and wiggles like jello. How can it not be good? Seriously, I have never eaten the gelatinous mass, so I don't know.
Other common side dishes which are not as funny as cranberry sauce include: rolls, yams, or sweet potatoes in some buttery concoction, green bean casserole (probably not present at the aforementioned pilgrim feast. if it existed,) corn, maybe even some ham, and stuffing/dressing (think bread with boiled eggs, celery and some spices in it. not a fan.)
Stuffing is interesting because it is one of those dishes that you either love or hate. Personally, I do not like it. Here in the USA, if you tell someone that you hate a particular dish the required response from that person is: "oh, but you have not tried my stuffing (or other hated food.)" Of course I have not tried it because as you may know I HATE stuffing. Unless you are Hermione Granger and can magically turn stuffing into a plate full of brownies, or at least distract me with your hotness, then i'm not interested.
Then of course you will find various combinations of pies, cakes, and desserts of all kinds. This is the coup de grace (which is defined as the merciful death blow to a suffering creature.) A term certainly developed with Thanksgiving in mind. It is not unusual to find entire families in various states of a coma immediately after this course of the dinner.
Turkey sandwiches are soon to follow.
Our family has decided to take a different tack the last few years. At some point in time my father has decided that he "hates turkey, and always has. " Quite the revelation after having turkey pretty much every thanksgiving for almost 70 years. We have Thanksgiving Chicken. A bird that lives in fear every day of the year rather than just one.
The rest of our meal is similar to that listed above. Each dish seems to have been adopted by a member of the family, who is responsible for making that dish while my mom stands over them like a French Chef barking orders at some newbie in his kitchen; wooden spoon, or other convenient kitchen utensil, in hand ready to correct any misstep.
After dinner we congregate around the living room, and usually will watch a movie marathon, which is a whole other blog. Watching movies with my family. I will work on that in a few days.
Hopefully most of you are coming out of the coma, and getting ready for another round.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
I'm too sexy...
It is official; People Magazine has named their "sexiest man alive" for 2012. I'm not really sure how this proclamation works. If someone is the sexiest man alive, shouldn't they carry that title until they are...I don't know...no longer alive? How can you be sexiest man alive in 2012, and then in 2013 you're little more than chopped liver? What happened in the span of 365 days? All a little suspect if you ask me.
Let's face it, the title itself is a bit dubious. "Sexiest Man Alive." What they mean to say is "sexiest man that is starring in a movie this year." That seems to narrow the playing field significantly. I mean the title that exists would suggest that the editors, or people in charge of deciding such important issues, have travelled the globe extensively, and met a significant portion of the male population in order to truly claim that Channing Tatum is indeed the "sexiest man alive." As a very sexy man, I take umbrage with this arbitrary narrowing of the field.
And what happens to former "Sexiest Men Alive?" Is there a support group for the almost certain depression that follows the inevitable fall from great heights? You rise to the pinnacle of sexiness, and 365.25 days later you might as well be working in a coal mine. (I'm sure plenty of sexy men work in coal mines, no offense meant.) Has Clooney turned to the bottle to drown his sorrows? Or does he now have the time to focus on making less movies like The Goat Whisperer, Men Who Stare at Goats, or whatever it was called, and more movies like Ocean's 27? The gang gets back together, but due to Clooney's (and Brad Pitt's and Matt Damon's) loss of stature they decide to knock of Harrah's in Cherokee, NC, where a "snatch and grab" jos IS all it really takes.
Let me pause for a moment to talk about the Ocean's 11 series of movies. We have Ocean's 11, Ocean's 12, and Ocean's 13. Ocean's 11 is titled such because...well...the crew had 11 members. While I find the subsequent titles of Ocean's 12 and Ocean's 13 quite clever, they are inaccurate. Ocean's crew did not increase in membership. Billy Ocean did not become the band of thieves Bard. It remained Ocean's 11. I found myself constantly counting the crew members in each sequel, and thus missing the moral of each subsequent movie which is that apparently crime does pay. but only if 3 members of your crew are former "sexiest men alive". sorry for the aside.
Back to the "sexiest man alive." Let us also discuss the double standard that exists in this world. It's ok to have the "sexiest man alive," where the only qualifications I can find is that the guy was in a movie that year, and he probably makes women drool. (ok Nick Nolte probably did not make anyone drool, clearly the people at PEOPLE were stoned that year). Now if us men were to even mention how hot any particular actress is, much less call her the sexiest woman alive, we would be labeled pigs. Those of us fortunate enough to have significant others in our lives would have to hear endless diatribes about "you think she's better looking than me; what's she got that I don't have?" It's ok to have "magic mike?" which apparently had no real plot, and probably should have been in 3-D. But let us make "Bewitching Bella," and there will be hell to pay.
And finally, if you are a member of a minority group you should be outraged. Apparently, Denzel is the only Sexiest Man Alive that is a minority.
My advice to Channing Tatum is to go ahead and stock up on your Xanax and Vodka, because you now only have 364 days to enjoy your title. Get out of bed, and get to enjoying the benefits that will come along with being the "sexiest man alive." Take it from me, a very sexy man, that it's all kicks and giggles at first, but it can be a burden being so sexy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39YUXIKrOFk
you had to see that one coming.
Let's face it, the title itself is a bit dubious. "Sexiest Man Alive." What they mean to say is "sexiest man that is starring in a movie this year." That seems to narrow the playing field significantly. I mean the title that exists would suggest that the editors, or people in charge of deciding such important issues, have travelled the globe extensively, and met a significant portion of the male population in order to truly claim that Channing Tatum is indeed the "sexiest man alive." As a very sexy man, I take umbrage with this arbitrary narrowing of the field.
And what happens to former "Sexiest Men Alive?" Is there a support group for the almost certain depression that follows the inevitable fall from great heights? You rise to the pinnacle of sexiness, and 365.25 days later you might as well be working in a coal mine. (I'm sure plenty of sexy men work in coal mines, no offense meant.) Has Clooney turned to the bottle to drown his sorrows? Or does he now have the time to focus on making less movies like The Goat Whisperer, Men Who Stare at Goats, or whatever it was called, and more movies like Ocean's 27? The gang gets back together, but due to Clooney's (and Brad Pitt's and Matt Damon's) loss of stature they decide to knock of Harrah's in Cherokee, NC, where a "snatch and grab" jos IS all it really takes.
Let me pause for a moment to talk about the Ocean's 11 series of movies. We have Ocean's 11, Ocean's 12, and Ocean's 13. Ocean's 11 is titled such because...well...the crew had 11 members. While I find the subsequent titles of Ocean's 12 and Ocean's 13 quite clever, they are inaccurate. Ocean's crew did not increase in membership. Billy Ocean did not become the band of thieves Bard. It remained Ocean's 11. I found myself constantly counting the crew members in each sequel, and thus missing the moral of each subsequent movie which is that apparently crime does pay. but only if 3 members of your crew are former "sexiest men alive". sorry for the aside.
Back to the "sexiest man alive." Let us also discuss the double standard that exists in this world. It's ok to have the "sexiest man alive," where the only qualifications I can find is that the guy was in a movie that year, and he probably makes women drool. (ok Nick Nolte probably did not make anyone drool, clearly the people at PEOPLE were stoned that year). Now if us men were to even mention how hot any particular actress is, much less call her the sexiest woman alive, we would be labeled pigs. Those of us fortunate enough to have significant others in our lives would have to hear endless diatribes about "you think she's better looking than me; what's she got that I don't have?" It's ok to have "magic mike?" which apparently had no real plot, and probably should have been in 3-D. But let us make "Bewitching Bella," and there will be hell to pay.
And finally, if you are a member of a minority group you should be outraged. Apparently, Denzel is the only Sexiest Man Alive that is a minority.
My advice to Channing Tatum is to go ahead and stock up on your Xanax and Vodka, because you now only have 364 days to enjoy your title. Get out of bed, and get to enjoying the benefits that will come along with being the "sexiest man alive." Take it from me, a very sexy man, that it's all kicks and giggles at first, but it can be a burden being so sexy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39YUXIKrOFk
you had to see that one coming.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
For your eyes only
Last night I began to write a post about my recent viewing of the movie "skyfall." As the words began to pour out of my fingertips I realized that some people may want to experience the movie without certain knowledge. Some may not want to know that in "Skyfall" it is determined that James Bond is actually from New Zealand, and is dismissed from MI6. Most probably do not care to know beforehand that Moneypenny is a drag queen. And others would like to be surprised to hear that Q is actually X, Q's wicked twin brother. (because in the movies, twins are always wicked. It's the law.) However, I am certain that all of my female readers would love to know exactly how many seconds Daniel Craig is naked in the movie, but I would not want to ruin the movie for anyone.
I had reached about the halfway point of my post, and thought to myself that possibly my loyal readers would prefer a chance to see the movie before reading about it. Therefore, I deleted the entire sentence that I wrote. Here we are 8 hours later; the movie has been out for over 24 hours, and if you have not seen it by now well, let's be frank, you probably just aren't going to see it as any REAL fan of James Bond would have snuck onto the set while they were shooting the film and forced their way into each scene.
Honestly, I don't believe there are really any spoilers in this blog. So read on without any fears.
Let's get straight to it. When a person mentions anything about a new James Bond film 2 things come to mind immediately: who is singing the theme song, and who is the new Bond girl? well, maybe a third: who is going to be James Bond? The third is easy to answer this time as it is Daniel Craig again. The new theme song is performed by Adele. I was about to leave the movie when I heard the song come on, because I believe that Adele has been overplayed. Her 15 minutes are up, can we please move on. I'm not a big fan. Besides, we all know that the best Bond theme song is the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR46gQLyxuE
As for the new Bond girl (BTW- shouldn't it at least be Bond Woman? as bond girl is a little creepy) you will not be disappointed. Unless you just aren't into women. If that is the case refer to point 3, and you have Daniel Craig, so please do not take my Bond woman away. The new woman is Bérénice Marlohe, and let's face it they could have made an entire movie about her just sitting in a Waffle House and i would have watched it. As all past Bond girls, she is quite sexy even if she is French (inside joke for some of my friends.) Since James Bond seems to go through Bond Girls like a kid going through his Hallween candy we have quite a number of past Bond Girls, and you are probably expecting me to post a picture of my favorite Bond girl, but I do not have a favorite Bond girl as James Bond has impeccable taste in women. Much like myself. I appreciate all past Bond women equally. Therefore, why just pick one.
Usually, with the release of a new James Bond movie the debate of "who is the best Bond" always starts. I will admit that I am not a James Bond aficionado. I generally do not engage in this debate. I know that most of my friends believe that Sean Connery holds that title. I do like Daniel Craig as James Bond, and hope that he continues in the role in future movies.
Now on to "Skyfall."
I enjoyed the movie a great deal. In fact, I probably will go see it again. I will not discuss the major plot lines at all, however, be prepared for some surprises. The minor plot line that caught my attention is how they address that Bond is an aging field agent. They put him through some tests: physical, mental and psychological. All of which he fails. But in typical 007 fashion he proves that none of those tests can determine how good of a field agent one can be, and then he commences to kick bad guy ass. close curtain, lots of cheering.
I would be remiss if I did not mention the performance by Javier Bardem. I first saw him in "No Country for Old Men," and was blown away by his perfomance in that movie. I was not disappointed in any way with his perfomance as Silva. Bardem has a penchant for playing quirky characters, and he really delivers with this performance.
Hopefully, I have not ruined the film in any way for my loyal subjects (i mean readers). I encourage you to go see this movie.
Seriously, Berenice, call me. I'm single, and was just kidding about all the other Bond girls being as awesome as you.
I had reached about the halfway point of my post, and thought to myself that possibly my loyal readers would prefer a chance to see the movie before reading about it. Therefore, I deleted the entire sentence that I wrote. Here we are 8 hours later; the movie has been out for over 24 hours, and if you have not seen it by now well, let's be frank, you probably just aren't going to see it as any REAL fan of James Bond would have snuck onto the set while they were shooting the film and forced their way into each scene.
Honestly, I don't believe there are really any spoilers in this blog. So read on without any fears.
Let's get straight to it. When a person mentions anything about a new James Bond film 2 things come to mind immediately: who is singing the theme song, and who is the new Bond girl? well, maybe a third: who is going to be James Bond? The third is easy to answer this time as it is Daniel Craig again. The new theme song is performed by Adele. I was about to leave the movie when I heard the song come on, because I believe that Adele has been overplayed. Her 15 minutes are up, can we please move on. I'm not a big fan. Besides, we all know that the best Bond theme song is the following:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nR46gQLyxuE
As for the new Bond girl (BTW- shouldn't it at least be Bond Woman? as bond girl is a little creepy) you will not be disappointed. Unless you just aren't into women. If that is the case refer to point 3, and you have Daniel Craig, so please do not take my Bond woman away. The new woman is Bérénice Marlohe, and let's face it they could have made an entire movie about her just sitting in a Waffle House and i would have watched it. As all past Bond girls, she is quite sexy even if she is French (inside joke for some of my friends.) Since James Bond seems to go through Bond Girls like a kid going through his Hallween candy we have quite a number of past Bond Girls, and you are probably expecting me to post a picture of my favorite Bond girl, but I do not have a favorite Bond girl as James Bond has impeccable taste in women. Much like myself. I appreciate all past Bond women equally. Therefore, why just pick one.
Usually, with the release of a new James Bond movie the debate of "who is the best Bond" always starts. I will admit that I am not a James Bond aficionado. I generally do not engage in this debate. I know that most of my friends believe that Sean Connery holds that title. I do like Daniel Craig as James Bond, and hope that he continues in the role in future movies.
Now on to "Skyfall."
I enjoyed the movie a great deal. In fact, I probably will go see it again. I will not discuss the major plot lines at all, however, be prepared for some surprises. The minor plot line that caught my attention is how they address that Bond is an aging field agent. They put him through some tests: physical, mental and psychological. All of which he fails. But in typical 007 fashion he proves that none of those tests can determine how good of a field agent one can be, and then he commences to kick bad guy ass. close curtain, lots of cheering.
I would be remiss if I did not mention the performance by Javier Bardem. I first saw him in "No Country for Old Men," and was blown away by his perfomance in that movie. I was not disappointed in any way with his perfomance as Silva. Bardem has a penchant for playing quirky characters, and he really delivers with this performance.
Hopefully, I have not ruined the film in any way for my loyal subjects (i mean readers). I encourage you to go see this movie.
Seriously, Berenice, call me. I'm single, and was just kidding about all the other Bond girls being as awesome as you.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
young americans
I found myself watching a show called "Life After Top Chef" on On Demand this morning. Well, I was watching it until my fabulous cable company decided that for some reason I could no longer watch that show at this time. They seem to fail quite regularly when it comes to delivering shows On Demand. I guess I did not read the fine print that says it is On THEIR Demand and not mine. I am a pretty big fan of "Top Chef," and began watching this show merely because I think that Jen Carroll is quite easy on the eyes. "Hot" as the younger generation might say. I would gladly let her date me, but I digress. This blog is less about food and more about not food. Seriously, Jen Carroll, if you are reading this blog call me. Day or night.
As I was watching the few minutes of this particular episode that I was allowed to watch by bubba's cable company, Fabio made a comment about the American Dream (noted as AD in this blog) and that got me thinking. Scary I know, and yes I do feel a migraine coming on now. Fabio (not the one on the covers of romance novels, but the chef) grew up in Italy, and came to America 5 years ago. He has been successful as a chef/businessman. He said he is living the American Dream. Apparently he works about 40 hours a day in order to live that dream.
What does the American Dream mean? Does it require working yourself into oblivion? Working so much that you have no time for friends, family, proper rest and relaxation? Where do we draw the line and say enough is enough? Of course I have songs for it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNw1ZPzqP9Q
Advertising executives might have you believe that the AD is wearing the right clothes, drinking the right vodka, eating at the right restaurants, and happiness will abound. I've worn some of those clothes (sorry but skinny jeans will never find their way onto my body), I've drank the "right" vodkas/rum/bourbon/beer in various combinations. I've eaten at many nice restaurants. Let me tell you that none of those things compare to the joy I feel when I hear my daughter laugh at something stupid I have done to elicit that laugh. That laughter is the essence of the AD to me.
I remember one day, many years ago, they opened a new Super Target near her house. (yes, i am aware of the irony surrounding my story as we went to consumerists mecca). We journey to Mecca several times a week. She had been to this particular store before, but I had not. She kept telling me how big the store was compared to the dinky little target that was 5 miles down the road. We pull into the parking lot and I just let out a string of "Woos" as I feign surprise at how large the store is. At first, she had a look in her eye like I might need to be committed to some institution, and hopefully they still make use of electric shock therapy. Then she realized while I may be insane, I'm pretty damned entertaining and she started laughing and could not stop laughing. The real benefit of being able to make people laugh is not that it makes you feel good, it is that it keeps them from sending you to Uncle Jethro's Mid-Western Facility for the Clinically Insane that is conveniently located in Guam.
I believe that at one time my vision of the AD was having a big ol' pile of money that I could roll around in like a pile of freshly raked leaves in the fall. And while I would not shun that pile of dough, I feel as if my views have changed as I have aged. Now, I think that the AD is more about spending quality time with my friends and family. Taking some time out for myself. Stopping to smell the roses if you will. I've worked 6 days a week before, and quite frankly it sucked.
Now I'm not saying I support a vow of poverty. Not quite ready to join the monastery, wear a woolen robe and chant all day long. I'm just saying that I value interactions with the world around me more than I value material things.
What might your idea of the American Dream be? How far are you willing to go to achieve that dream?
I am aware that I used to plural "songs" earlier, and I did not lie. Nor did I make an grammatical mistake. At least not one that has to do with using a plural noun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVYDnQwi3OQ
yes, i know this song is about heroin use, but maybe the American Dream is like heroin for some. "I used to do a little, but a little wouldn't do, so a little got more and more."
well, i must go pack so I can move.
As I was watching the few minutes of this particular episode that I was allowed to watch by bubba's cable company, Fabio made a comment about the American Dream (noted as AD in this blog) and that got me thinking. Scary I know, and yes I do feel a migraine coming on now. Fabio (not the one on the covers of romance novels, but the chef) grew up in Italy, and came to America 5 years ago. He has been successful as a chef/businessman. He said he is living the American Dream. Apparently he works about 40 hours a day in order to live that dream.
What does the American Dream mean? Does it require working yourself into oblivion? Working so much that you have no time for friends, family, proper rest and relaxation? Where do we draw the line and say enough is enough? Of course I have songs for it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNw1ZPzqP9Q
Advertising executives might have you believe that the AD is wearing the right clothes, drinking the right vodka, eating at the right restaurants, and happiness will abound. I've worn some of those clothes (sorry but skinny jeans will never find their way onto my body), I've drank the "right" vodkas/rum/bourbon/beer in various combinations. I've eaten at many nice restaurants. Let me tell you that none of those things compare to the joy I feel when I hear my daughter laugh at something stupid I have done to elicit that laugh. That laughter is the essence of the AD to me.
I remember one day, many years ago, they opened a new Super Target near her house. (yes, i am aware of the irony surrounding my story as we went to consumerists mecca). We journey to Mecca several times a week. She had been to this particular store before, but I had not. She kept telling me how big the store was compared to the dinky little target that was 5 miles down the road. We pull into the parking lot and I just let out a string of "Woos" as I feign surprise at how large the store is. At first, she had a look in her eye like I might need to be committed to some institution, and hopefully they still make use of electric shock therapy. Then she realized while I may be insane, I'm pretty damned entertaining and she started laughing and could not stop laughing. The real benefit of being able to make people laugh is not that it makes you feel good, it is that it keeps them from sending you to Uncle Jethro's Mid-Western Facility for the Clinically Insane that is conveniently located in Guam.
I believe that at one time my vision of the AD was having a big ol' pile of money that I could roll around in like a pile of freshly raked leaves in the fall. And while I would not shun that pile of dough, I feel as if my views have changed as I have aged. Now, I think that the AD is more about spending quality time with my friends and family. Taking some time out for myself. Stopping to smell the roses if you will. I've worked 6 days a week before, and quite frankly it sucked.
Now I'm not saying I support a vow of poverty. Not quite ready to join the monastery, wear a woolen robe and chant all day long. I'm just saying that I value interactions with the world around me more than I value material things.
What might your idea of the American Dream be? How far are you willing to go to achieve that dream?
I am aware that I used to plural "songs" earlier, and I did not lie. Nor did I make an grammatical mistake. At least not one that has to do with using a plural noun.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVYDnQwi3OQ
yes, i know this song is about heroin use, but maybe the American Dream is like heroin for some. "I used to do a little, but a little wouldn't do, so a little got more and more."
well, i must go pack so I can move.
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